The Fox and the Stork

One thing that stood out to me this past week is communication.  Communication is essentially to withhold any sort of relationship.  Not just any communication but effective and respectful communication.

The definition of communication from the Marriam-Webster Diction is, " a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior."

I think this Aesop's explains the damage miscommunication can cause:

At one time the Fox and the Stork were on visiting terms and seemed very good friends. So the Fox invited the Stork to dinner, and for a joke put nothing before her but some soup in a very shallow dish. This the Fox could easily lap up, but the Stork could only wet the end of her long bill in it, and left the meal as hungry as when she began.
“I am sorry,” said the Fox, “the soup is not to your liking.”
“Pray do not apologize,” said the Stork. “I hope you will return this visit, and come and dine with me soon.”
So a day was appointed when the Fox should visit the Stork; but when they were seated at table all that was for their dinner was contained in a very long-necked jar with a narrow mouth, in which the Fox could not insert his snout, so all he could manage to do was to lick the inside of the jar.
“I will not apologize for the dinner,” said the Stork, “One bad turn deserves another.”

Many times we think we are completely justified in our ways and that others have the same needs and desires that we do or that they should be understood. But because the Fox and Stork failed to communicate their preferences, they will not likely be friends, or really ever talk to each other again.  Especially since the Stork had the attitude of "an eye for an eye."

When this happens in any sort of relationship the results can be very damaging.  The best way to communicate is to listen.  Not just pretend like you're listening, for to really listen, and respond with empathy.  You don't have to agree, but understanding the others position can lead to compromise.  It is not the easiest thing to accomplish, but an accomplished pianist doesn't give up on a song just because it is difficult.  They keep practicing.  That's how a person becomes better at communication, through practice and practice makes permanent.

The Coping Tool

Families that stick together in moments of crises, can cope easier with the stress.  In class we discussed the idea of a coping tool while putting in crown molding.  The easiest way to put in crown molding is to cut each piece at a 45 degree angle and align them together.  However, this will leave a small gap between the two, and as the room gets hot or cold, the gap will either expand or close.  Imagine the effect this will have on the crown molding over time.  It does not seem like it would last.  The coping tool is used to  accurately cut odd shapes.  It can give a more detailed cut.  If one piece is cut with a coping tool to match up with the other with a little extra on the end, with enough pressure the two pieces can be jammed together leaving hardly a visible gap.  The tightness of the two pieces will hold up much more effectively in any type of temperature.

Now, that's all nice, but what does it have to do with families?  Well it is interesting that the tool used in this process is called a coping tool, as that is what people must do in stressful situations.  They have to learn to "cope."  A family that takes the easy way, like the 45 degree angles, while dealing with a crisis will not hold up as well over time as a family that uses the coping tool during the crisis, to tightly bring their family together.

Let me share an example.  My family has never really had any problems with severe illness, until a few years ago when my father was diagnosed with diabetes.  I am so proud of the changes my dad made in his life to over come these complications, however, I know it was easier for him, because of the support he had from his family.  He had to make some serious changes in the way he was eating and exercising, or he could have had some serious limitations in his health, that could eventually lead to death.  Most families are supportive in this situation, but as a family, we collectively decided to eat the way my father had too.  We threw out sugar and starchy food and my mom prepared the same diabetic meal for everyone.  Another family I knew, would make two meals, one the father would it, and one the rest of the family would eat.  For awhile this worked for them, but eventually it got harder and harder to eat differently then everyone else, until he stopped all together.  This put hin back on a digressing path.  I would say that this family took the easy way out, by putting in their crown molding using 45 degree angles.  It wasn't a bad way for dealing with the situation, but overtime the wear and tear of the environment become too much.  I'm not saying that this family was unsupportive, however the way my family coped with the situation, tightly wedged us together.  Today my father probably could indulge in a little sweet food, but he never does because he does not want to take the risk and he values the effort we all made to change our eating habits for him.

In the October conference in 2005 Elder M. Russell Ballard said, "Crisis or transition of any kind reminds us of what matters most. In the routine of life, we often take our families—our parents and children and siblings—for granted. But in times of danger and need and change, there is no question that what we care about most is our families!" 

In the end, family is what matters most, so tightly bind together!  The support from family will not make crisises or stress go away but it will be so much easier to get through.  No family should take the "easy" way out, because a family should be able to hold up and remain intact in any kind of situation. I love my family so much, and they are worth the extra effort.  

Infidelity or Eternity

Preventing infidelity within marriage is healthy (both spiritually and physically) and must be taken seriously.  Physically because fidelity can prevent the spread of HIV's and other sexually transmitted diseases  Spiritually because fidelity is a serious sin, it is one of the ten commandments, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," but often times it is overlooked.  In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, it states that, "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.”

Many people might think they are safe from the bonds of infidelity, but the reality is, it can happen to anyone.  In the article, "Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriages" by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner, they say that there are four types of infidelity: fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual.  Each is about as serious as the next, and each displays disloyal behavior.

Gardner and Greiner share this story:

    Once there were three men each trying to secure a job as a teamster (wagon driver). The freight      company only wanted to have the very best drivers for their wagons, so they gave each potential driver a test. The test was to drive a wagon up a steep mountain road where one side of the road was a cliff. The first driver, eager to show his superior skills as a driver, drove the wagon up the road with the wheel of the wagon right on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even
more impressive; with great skill and dexterity he managed to drive the wagon up
the road with half the wagon wheel teetering over the edge of the cliff! The third
driver was not so talented and drove the wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
Who got the job? The third driver, of course.  

They go to say, "With wagons as well as with marriages, the moral of the story is the same: If our
cargo is truly precious (and it is), we will drive our wagon as far from the cliff as
possible."

Couples should set boundaries together.  These boundaries could include never driving in a car alone with the opposite.  Not sharing private messages at all, or at least without the spouse being included.  Not "hanging out." And so on.  Those are just some suggestions, each couple should prayerfully decide boundaries and limitations together.

Although not all instances of infidelity result in divorce.  Why risk it? Friends are never as important as your significant other.

Although I am not married, I plan on taking these precautions.  I want my marriage to be strong and long lasting through the eternities. I want to be fully committed to my spouse and vice versa.  Even the simplest things can result in infidelity, in most cases it is the simplest things.

Misattribution of Arousal and Relationships

This week I kind of want to talk about the concept of misattribution of arousal.  Which is he tendency to mislabel our feelings of fear arousal as feelings of romantic arousal.  It doesn't always have to be romantic but this usually what it is associated with. 

In Ira Hyman's "Is This Love Or Too Much Caffeine? Misattributions of Arousal Strengthen Relationships" (2010) in Mental Mishaps, she describes a study done with men on two different types of bridges. The link below is a video that explains the study.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0aMEkGlcQE

It's interesting that a lot more men from the scary bridge called her.  Hyman says, "The implication is that any physiological arousal can be misattributed to feelings for the other person. I can imagine some nice first date ideas. Going out for coffee (which may increase heart rate), for example, may be better than drinking other beverages. Going dancing or participating in some other aerobic activity might be more advantageous than sitting quietly in a dark, calm movie theater (of course horror films that raise anxiety levels and heart rate may also get misinterpreted as love)."

This almost sounds like it could be manipulative but Hyman also says that these types of experiences could actually strengthen the bond between romantic couples.  As long as the activities are challenging enough for both people and also meets their individual skill level.  When the couple achieves success they enjoy the activity more and, "they will then misattribute the activity's positive affect to how they feel about their partner. When we enjoy joint activities, some of the arousal and joy gets transferred to our romantic partners."

However this gives us cause to be careful if we are not in any sort of relationship, and are just dating.  Be sure to know what your feelings actually mean in the given setting, because it could be misattribution instead of real feelings of love.   

Do you know who you're dating?

This past week in class, we have been discussing dating and finding a marriage companion.  I am not married so it was interesting hearing from people in class who are.  We heard a wide variety of experiences in this process, and it has helped me to think of it in a different perspective.

I have never really had a serious relationship, all of them have not made it past four weeks.  Not really because of anything negative, but most of them had to do with timing.  Usually I find myself dating people who are moving, and not wanting to do long distance with just juvenile relationships, they end.  However, each time I find myself getting heartbroken, but I honestly didn't really "know" any of these guys.  Of course I knew them before we started to date, some of them I had known for years, but I only knew them in friend situations.  We would hang out in group settings.  Thinking I "knew" them, I would commit myself wholeheartedly, even when I knew it would only last for a couple of weeks.  Each relationship was different, but usually during those weeks, we did not get to talk on a one on one basis as much, and if we did, it was about trivial stuff like the weather.  Of course I wanted to get to know them better, but because time was so short, I avoided it thinking this would save my heart.  It never did.

In class we talked about the Relationship Attachment Model.  The aspects on the model were: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch.  They each had a scale lined up next to one another.  The highest scale should be "know" and the the rest should fall under it.  If any of those aspects are higher then "know" it throws the whole model off.  For example, I put commit, rely, and sometimes even touch higher.  I put too much faith into someone I didn't even really know.  But it isn't smart to do that.  Putting it side by side, it doesn't even make sense that I committed to this person who was leaving.  Time and time again, I find myself doing that.  And instead of saying, "Well, we both like each other, we might as well enjoy the time we have together," maybe I should be saying, "Maybe we should take the time to get to know each other, instead of jumping into this whole dating thing.  Let's not worry about the physical aspect or even deciding whether or not we are exclusive."  I think that would have fared far better, and I would have been saved all the heart break.  And maybe it would have worked out.  Not all of them left for good.

 I don't regret any of those relationships.  In fact, I've always said they are learning experiences, even more so now with what I now know.  Instead of just accepting the fact that they did not work out, I know now why.  Hopefully, I can now avoid the whole history repeating itself and maybe change my approach.