I have learned so much in this class during the semester.  The thing I gleaned the most beneficial was hearing what other people have learned.  I talked with one girl for our final and I learned so much from her and it was powerful to hear her testimony.  She had different insights that I had never even thought of.  So I'm going to post the top ten things I learned in class so hopefully someone else can gain so insight from the things  I have learned.

1.      The idea that family is a system – Each person has a role within the family, and a personal decision can affect the whole family.  I will use this knowledge someday with my future family as we grow and solve problems together.

2.      I don’t need to trade my mind for a mop – Society wants women to believe that if they aren't working they are dumb and useless, but that’s not the case, just because I want to stay home with my children does not mean I have to quit learning.  I can learn new things everyday while I am at home.

3.      Don’t trust before I know – From the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, I shouldn't put all of my trust in someone before I actually know someone, because that’s stupid! Heartache will almost always follow.

4.      Has a woman I have divine roles – In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it specifies specific mothers and fathers should have.  This does not mean that we shouldn't help each other along the way, but mothers are intended to be nurturer and fathers are typically the providers.  However, they are equals.

5.      The bond between husband and wife is the most essential thing – It seems like in almost every case when there is a problem within the family, the spouses bond is not as strong as it could be.  This is helping things to go right, marriage is not easy, but it is divine and the work is worth it.

6.      Respect is key to raising teenagers – I know I am a long way off from having teenagers, as I’m not even married, but right now I’m closer to the age of a teenager and I want to remember how I felt and important it is for teenagers to feel that respect.  Hopefully when I’m really old I can remember that.

7.      When a crisis occurs involve the entire family – like I said in number one, families are a system and with that being the case families will fair much better if they can decide things together.  Also it draws families closer together.

8.      I should never be alone with a member of the opposite sex that isn't my spouse or a member of my family – Even though it seems harmless, many amazing LDS people have fallen into this trap.  Infidelity stems from the tiniest things and I want to always be loyal to spouse in thought, word, and action.  Better safe than sorry!

9.      Marriage takes work – Although this is similar to one above, I honestly think I can’t empathize it enough! I think so many people (especially girls) think that once you get married it is happily ever after.  But that doesn’t come until much later.  Two people, who are devoted to their Father in Heaven and abide by His will, can make it work.

The Council Method – I come from a family who has never had a family council (at least not an official one that I can remember) we talked about stuff, but I think when decisions must be made, everyone must agree upon the same thing.  I think most of the time we just went with whatever my parents said, but I think I would have liked some of that power.

I know that Heavenly Father sent us her so that we could form eternal families.  We can learn and grow so much from them.  I am so thankful to have the knowledge that I do, and hopefully I continue to share the things that I have learned from this class throughout the semester.  It's been very beneficial and I know that my future family will be stronger because of it. There is reason we are with the family that we are.  I do not believe I have the family that I do purely by coincidence.   

The Parent I Hope to Be.

In class this week we discussed parenting.  I'm not a parent yet, nor will I be a parent for awhile.  But I do know the kind of parent I want to be. 

In John Gottman's book, How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child, he talks about the importance of raising children to understand their emotions. You do this through five steps: 1. Be aware of a child’s emotions 2. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching 3. Listen empathetically and validate a child’s feelings 4. Label emotions in words a child can understand 5. Help a child discover appropriate ways to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting situation. 

Sometimes the best way to show someone you love them, is to show them you understand how they feel.  They can better recover from emotionally stresses and emotion coaching also teaches them how to problem-solve.  If you are a parent or even a future parent, I would highly recommend this book.

In an october conference talk, Elder Larry R. Lawrence of the seventy, also offered five different strategies for parents.  He said, "Church leaders have counseled us to establish righteous patterns in our homes. Consider five fundamental practices that have the power to fortify our youth: family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, family dinner together, and regular one-on-one interviews with each child."

As we follow this counsel and glean to the gospel, we will better understand how to raise our children.  I know I'm not going to be a perfect mother, but if I could only teach one thing to my children, I would want it to be about their Savior, Jesus Christ.  Who atoned for their sins and died so they could live again.  I would hope that they could understand the immense love that He has for them.  

I know that as I rely on the Lord, he will continue to guide me through my life and through the lives of my future children. 

Father Mentality

A guy that I work with is expecting his first child in the next week or so.  The other day I asked him if he was ready for the baby to come and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "No, I'm not.  I don't know how to raise a child or be a father.  I am mentally not prepared for this."

In order for a father to mentally prepare themselves, they need to be involved from the very beginning, during the pregnancy stages.  When the baby kicks, have them feel.  Have him help make decisions.  This will help him prepare himself for the baby's coming and form an attachment to the baby.

In an article about fathers in this process it says that fathers can go through three different phases.  The confirming phase in the first trimester where the father will either experience joy or conflict in the coming of a child.  The second phase is the moratorium phase where the father becomes adjusted to the reality of the pregnancy during the second trimester.  In the third trimester, the father will experience the focusing phase where the father will redefine himself with the idea of becoming a father (Callister, 2003).  These stages will come naturally to a mother who's body is changing, accommodating the child, but fathers have no way of feeling different.  All they see is their wife getting bigger.  It is important for the wife to help her husband through each of these stages. 
 Elder L. Tom Perry said that the father has three roles in the family, these are to be leaders, teachers, and providers. If a father had a strong attachment with his children, I think the desire to fulfill these roles is greater.

There have been studies that show the importance of fathers in the home.  However, I think a father would do no good in the home if he wasn't portraying any of these roles to begin with.

Callister, L. C., Matsumura, G., & Vehvilainnen-Julkunen, K. (2003). He’s Having a Baby: The Paternal Childbirth Experience. Marriage and Families. Retrieved from http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2003/January/baby.aspx

The Fox and the Stork

One thing that stood out to me this past week is communication.  Communication is essentially to withhold any sort of relationship.  Not just any communication but effective and respectful communication.

The definition of communication from the Marriam-Webster Diction is, " a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior."

I think this Aesop's explains the damage miscommunication can cause:

At one time the Fox and the Stork were on visiting terms and seemed very good friends. So the Fox invited the Stork to dinner, and for a joke put nothing before her but some soup in a very shallow dish. This the Fox could easily lap up, but the Stork could only wet the end of her long bill in it, and left the meal as hungry as when she began.
“I am sorry,” said the Fox, “the soup is not to your liking.”
“Pray do not apologize,” said the Stork. “I hope you will return this visit, and come and dine with me soon.”
So a day was appointed when the Fox should visit the Stork; but when they were seated at table all that was for their dinner was contained in a very long-necked jar with a narrow mouth, in which the Fox could not insert his snout, so all he could manage to do was to lick the inside of the jar.
“I will not apologize for the dinner,” said the Stork, “One bad turn deserves another.”

Many times we think we are completely justified in our ways and that others have the same needs and desires that we do or that they should be understood. But because the Fox and Stork failed to communicate their preferences, they will not likely be friends, or really ever talk to each other again.  Especially since the Stork had the attitude of "an eye for an eye."

When this happens in any sort of relationship the results can be very damaging.  The best way to communicate is to listen.  Not just pretend like you're listening, for to really listen, and respond with empathy.  You don't have to agree, but understanding the others position can lead to compromise.  It is not the easiest thing to accomplish, but an accomplished pianist doesn't give up on a song just because it is difficult.  They keep practicing.  That's how a person becomes better at communication, through practice and practice makes permanent.

The Coping Tool

Families that stick together in moments of crises, can cope easier with the stress.  In class we discussed the idea of a coping tool while putting in crown molding.  The easiest way to put in crown molding is to cut each piece at a 45 degree angle and align them together.  However, this will leave a small gap between the two, and as the room gets hot or cold, the gap will either expand or close.  Imagine the effect this will have on the crown molding over time.  It does not seem like it would last.  The coping tool is used to  accurately cut odd shapes.  It can give a more detailed cut.  If one piece is cut with a coping tool to match up with the other with a little extra on the end, with enough pressure the two pieces can be jammed together leaving hardly a visible gap.  The tightness of the two pieces will hold up much more effectively in any type of temperature.

Now, that's all nice, but what does it have to do with families?  Well it is interesting that the tool used in this process is called a coping tool, as that is what people must do in stressful situations.  They have to learn to "cope."  A family that takes the easy way, like the 45 degree angles, while dealing with a crisis will not hold up as well over time as a family that uses the coping tool during the crisis, to tightly bring their family together.

Let me share an example.  My family has never really had any problems with severe illness, until a few years ago when my father was diagnosed with diabetes.  I am so proud of the changes my dad made in his life to over come these complications, however, I know it was easier for him, because of the support he had from his family.  He had to make some serious changes in the way he was eating and exercising, or he could have had some serious limitations in his health, that could eventually lead to death.  Most families are supportive in this situation, but as a family, we collectively decided to eat the way my father had too.  We threw out sugar and starchy food and my mom prepared the same diabetic meal for everyone.  Another family I knew, would make two meals, one the father would it, and one the rest of the family would eat.  For awhile this worked for them, but eventually it got harder and harder to eat differently then everyone else, until he stopped all together.  This put hin back on a digressing path.  I would say that this family took the easy way out, by putting in their crown molding using 45 degree angles.  It wasn't a bad way for dealing with the situation, but overtime the wear and tear of the environment become too much.  I'm not saying that this family was unsupportive, however the way my family coped with the situation, tightly wedged us together.  Today my father probably could indulge in a little sweet food, but he never does because he does not want to take the risk and he values the effort we all made to change our eating habits for him.

In the October conference in 2005 Elder M. Russell Ballard said, "Crisis or transition of any kind reminds us of what matters most. In the routine of life, we often take our families—our parents and children and siblings—for granted. But in times of danger and need and change, there is no question that what we care about most is our families!" 

In the end, family is what matters most, so tightly bind together!  The support from family will not make crisises or stress go away but it will be so much easier to get through.  No family should take the "easy" way out, because a family should be able to hold up and remain intact in any kind of situation. I love my family so much, and they are worth the extra effort.  

Infidelity or Eternity

Preventing infidelity within marriage is healthy (both spiritually and physically) and must be taken seriously.  Physically because fidelity can prevent the spread of HIV's and other sexually transmitted diseases  Spiritually because fidelity is a serious sin, it is one of the ten commandments, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," but often times it is overlooked.  In the Family: A Proclamation to the World, it states that, "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.”

Many people might think they are safe from the bonds of infidelity, but the reality is, it can happen to anyone.  In the article, "Infidelity: Protecting Our Marriages" by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner, they say that there are four types of infidelity: fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual.  Each is about as serious as the next, and each displays disloyal behavior.

Gardner and Greiner share this story:

    Once there were three men each trying to secure a job as a teamster (wagon driver). The freight      company only wanted to have the very best drivers for their wagons, so they gave each potential driver a test. The test was to drive a wagon up a steep mountain road where one side of the road was a cliff. The first driver, eager to show his superior skills as a driver, drove the wagon up the road with the wheel of the wagon right on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even
more impressive; with great skill and dexterity he managed to drive the wagon up
the road with half the wagon wheel teetering over the edge of the cliff! The third
driver was not so talented and drove the wagon as far from the cliff as possible.
Who got the job? The third driver, of course.  

They go to say, "With wagons as well as with marriages, the moral of the story is the same: If our
cargo is truly precious (and it is), we will drive our wagon as far from the cliff as
possible."

Couples should set boundaries together.  These boundaries could include never driving in a car alone with the opposite.  Not sharing private messages at all, or at least without the spouse being included.  Not "hanging out." And so on.  Those are just some suggestions, each couple should prayerfully decide boundaries and limitations together.

Although not all instances of infidelity result in divorce.  Why risk it? Friends are never as important as your significant other.

Although I am not married, I plan on taking these precautions.  I want my marriage to be strong and long lasting through the eternities. I want to be fully committed to my spouse and vice versa.  Even the simplest things can result in infidelity, in most cases it is the simplest things.

Misattribution of Arousal and Relationships

This week I kind of want to talk about the concept of misattribution of arousal.  Which is he tendency to mislabel our feelings of fear arousal as feelings of romantic arousal.  It doesn't always have to be romantic but this usually what it is associated with. 

In Ira Hyman's "Is This Love Or Too Much Caffeine? Misattributions of Arousal Strengthen Relationships" (2010) in Mental Mishaps, she describes a study done with men on two different types of bridges. The link below is a video that explains the study.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0aMEkGlcQE

It's interesting that a lot more men from the scary bridge called her.  Hyman says, "The implication is that any physiological arousal can be misattributed to feelings for the other person. I can imagine some nice first date ideas. Going out for coffee (which may increase heart rate), for example, may be better than drinking other beverages. Going dancing or participating in some other aerobic activity might be more advantageous than sitting quietly in a dark, calm movie theater (of course horror films that raise anxiety levels and heart rate may also get misinterpreted as love)."

This almost sounds like it could be manipulative but Hyman also says that these types of experiences could actually strengthen the bond between romantic couples.  As long as the activities are challenging enough for both people and also meets their individual skill level.  When the couple achieves success they enjoy the activity more and, "they will then misattribute the activity's positive affect to how they feel about their partner. When we enjoy joint activities, some of the arousal and joy gets transferred to our romantic partners."

However this gives us cause to be careful if we are not in any sort of relationship, and are just dating.  Be sure to know what your feelings actually mean in the given setting, because it could be misattribution instead of real feelings of love.   

Do you know who you're dating?

This past week in class, we have been discussing dating and finding a marriage companion.  I am not married so it was interesting hearing from people in class who are.  We heard a wide variety of experiences in this process, and it has helped me to think of it in a different perspective.

I have never really had a serious relationship, all of them have not made it past four weeks.  Not really because of anything negative, but most of them had to do with timing.  Usually I find myself dating people who are moving, and not wanting to do long distance with just juvenile relationships, they end.  However, each time I find myself getting heartbroken, but I honestly didn't really "know" any of these guys.  Of course I knew them before we started to date, some of them I had known for years, but I only knew them in friend situations.  We would hang out in group settings.  Thinking I "knew" them, I would commit myself wholeheartedly, even when I knew it would only last for a couple of weeks.  Each relationship was different, but usually during those weeks, we did not get to talk on a one on one basis as much, and if we did, it was about trivial stuff like the weather.  Of course I wanted to get to know them better, but because time was so short, I avoided it thinking this would save my heart.  It never did.

In class we talked about the Relationship Attachment Model.  The aspects on the model were: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch.  They each had a scale lined up next to one another.  The highest scale should be "know" and the the rest should fall under it.  If any of those aspects are higher then "know" it throws the whole model off.  For example, I put commit, rely, and sometimes even touch higher.  I put too much faith into someone I didn't even really know.  But it isn't smart to do that.  Putting it side by side, it doesn't even make sense that I committed to this person who was leaving.  Time and time again, I find myself doing that.  And instead of saying, "Well, we both like each other, we might as well enjoy the time we have together," maybe I should be saying, "Maybe we should take the time to get to know each other, instead of jumping into this whole dating thing.  Let's not worry about the physical aspect or even deciding whether or not we are exclusive."  I think that would have fared far better, and I would have been saved all the heart break.  And maybe it would have worked out.  Not all of them left for good.

 I don't regret any of those relationships.  In fact, I've always said they are learning experiences, even more so now with what I now know.  Instead of just accepting the fact that they did not work out, I know now why.  Hopefully, I can now avoid the whole history repeating itself and maybe change my approach.

Is Gender Divine?

My Best Friend just got married yesterday.  She was almost glowing, she was so happy.  She is just starting this road of marriage, it will we a hard road, but a fulfuilling one as well.  I started to think about my parents marriage.  This August is their 30th wedding anniversary.  My parents are the best example to me, of what a marriage should be like.

In my parenting class this semester, we were asked to interview a married and couple of what it takes to have a successful marriage.  As I was interviewing them, some amazing things stood out to me.  My mother brought up roles and responsibilities in marriage.  She said that they should be equal but that does not mean that they should be split fifty-fifty.  For example, each doing the same amount of dishes, chores, yard work etc.  Having equal responsibility does not mean doing the same amount of each of those things.  My mother mentioned that because my father goes to work all day and earns money, she should clean up around the house and take care of the children while my dad is away.  She said that this was an equal share of responsibility.

This may seem stereotypical, that men work and women stay home and cook or clean.  But men and women are different.  Genetically and spiritually.  In the Family: A Proclamation to the world, it states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."  Our gender roles, are by divine design.  We came to this earth with our gender, and it is our responsibility to fill those roles.  This does not mean that men are better then women or vice versa.  We should be equal partners.  We are all children of our Father in Heaven.  He loves us all, and wants us to return to Him.  As men and women we can help each other along the way and achieve our highest potential.

High or low?

So this week we talked a little about social class.  It is interesting to me that a lot of people in the United States view themselves as a certain social class, almost like a cast system.  They think they are better than someone else or more worthy, because they have more money or live in a certain area.  It is an interesting idea, but social class does effect the family.

If I were to classify my family's social class, I would probably peg us as somewhere in the middle.  We always had enough and sometimes a little more, but we didn't live luxuriously.  As a child, I never even thought about how much money we did or didn't have.  If we struggled, my parents never let me see it.  I think about children who were raised in a different social class and wonder how they would have been raised differently.  Of course I can't speak for them because I've never been there, but I imagine children in those atmospheres would have more concerns then I ever had to worry about.  Those who are in the lower class or poverty for example.  It would be hard as a parent to hide some of your concerns if you were worried about feeding or dressing your children each day.  Although children don't pick up everything, but they can pick up on parental stress, and it can heavily effect the children's stress levels.  On the other hand, how would a child be raised in a higher class?  I imagine their concerns would be different.  Although, whose to say who has the greater concern.

We are all children of a higher being.  It doesn't matter to our Father in Heaven whether you are rich or poor.  In his eyes, we are all royalty.  Although money is important, it is such an earthly concern.  Instead of looking down or up and judging people for what they do or do not have, think instead how Heavenly Father would see them.  No matter what your class, everyone can give and serve.  A lower class can serve a higher class. It all depends on your attitude towards people and how you are perceiving them.  We would all do will to live our lives as the Savior lived His.  Chris didn't have a social class.  He didn't look down on people and think they were unworthy of His presence, nor did he look up to people and think they were too high and mighty for His blessings.  He loved and served everyone.  Think of the example parents would set for their children if they had that mindset of what can we give today, instead of what can we get.  No matter where you are in class, your life will truly be blessed if you serve others with a heart full of love and charity.

Family as a System

The concept of viewing family as a system is interesting.   The word system is a regularly interacting or interdependent group of items forming a unified whole.  This idea of family systems theory, suggests that people are not to live in isolation from each other.  We are meant to live with other people and to build relationships with them.  Each relationship is vital to the function of the system.  Personally I believe that the most important relationship is between the mother and father.  This relationship sets the foundation for all of the others.   The closer the husband and wife, the stronger the other relationships can be.  As parents, specifically, the bond between them will effect the rest of the family.  It's hard to parent alone, so that is why it's important to have the support from someone going through it with you.  It is important for children to see this bond.  It sets an example and precedent for future relationships in their life.  The more a husband and wife love each other, the stronger they will love their children together.  Studies have shown how important it is in their development for children to form attachments with their parents.  This should start from day one as newborn infants and continue to be nurtured throughout their life.  

 Our family system will never be perfect, but the best we can do is strive draw closer to our Father in Heaven.  He should be the basis in which we set our system.  The more we align our lives with His will, the more we can become unified in a greater purpose. 

Size Matters

Paul R. Ehrlich (who wrote the book Population Bomb) was in the film, Demographic Winter & Demographic Bomb (2009).  He basically stated that having five children is like robbing a bank because the more children a person has, the less others can have because of the lack of resources. 

I disagree with him for a number of reasons.  I'm mainly passionate about this topic because I come from a family of five children.  Although I am currently unmarried, at some point I plan to have as many children that is right for my family.  Ehrlich had a lot of predictions in in his book about the state of our world if we continue on the same path of population growth.  He said that this earth couldn't handle 4 billion people, however the population of the world today is about 6 million people and yet we still are managing to find resources.  He was wrong about this prediction, which makes me believe that he was wrong about the number of children a family should have as well.

President Spencer W. Kimball said: 

"You did not come on earth just to “eat, drink and be merry.” You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles. 

“Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives.“

 - President Spencer W. Kimball (in an open letter to all young couples, found here in the Ensign, June 1975)

Being from a family of five, I have a first person experience of how the number of children has affected all of our lives.  My brothers and I are all twos years apart.  My parents thought they were done having children at four.  Six years later however, they felt like there was someone missing, so they decided to have one more child.  If they hadn't decided this, I would not have my beautiful little sister.  She is an example to me and she is my best friend.  Not only did it effect our family's lives, but it would have effected each and every life that she has been a apart of so far.  

Family size should be a prayerful decision between you, your spouse, and the Lord.  No family is the same.  Some families will have many children, others can only handle a few.  It is extremely important not to judge others in their decisions about family size because we never know what their situation might be.  However, I do know that children are a true blessing and they add to this beautiful world, not take away from it.

Hey everyone!

I'm starting this blog for my Family Relations class, so hopefully throughout the course of the semester I'll get the hang of this, and share some of my views on family.  Family is the most important thing in my life, so I'm excited to share some of my thoughts.